15 Juli - 2013 - 23u25

Well, hi. Maybe this is the first time this isn't going to be a super depressed post. But hell, I don't care about that. But I wanted to let my thoughts out there about something.

I think the people who have suffered from depression do really live their life now, because they know what it is when life is really down, so they more appreciate things than 'normal' people would do. Because the people who have suffered from depression know what it feels like when you're feeling like total shit, and they know what life can throw at you. People without that, I think, can't really appreciate those little moments. They need a boyfriend, a nicer house, a bigger aquarium or whatever. It's like never enough for them. But they don't know if you have nothing of them. And the people who have suffered seriously appreciate every single damn little thing they get, even when it's a little smile of a kid, it really can make their day.

Enough talked, my internet will be cut off in 5 minutes. Yaay....

Ok, bye guys.

Song of the day: Therapy by All Time Low

29 June 2013  - //// 

Today was really horrible... Yesterday I got into a huge fight with my mom and my stepdad. Simply because of something my dog damaged. My mom totally freaked out and there began a fight. Good start of a ‘vacation’. Yesterday until 22u30 I was by my friend Steffanie. We were getting into the city to get a new  My mom was mad that I didn’t say anything to her... I went to my room and she got mad, but threat with the fact that she wanted to cut off the internet 

But so I woke up today around 9u, I still had some internet. But decided to sleep a bit more, but I already spoke a bit with my friend via Whatsapp. When I woke up around 10u30 again. My internet was cut off. I sent my friend a text about that my internet got cut off and that I actually hate this fucking house. I didn’t really have the courage to get out of bed, every day is the same... Every day is just another day with the same shit... After an hour just laying in bed I got out of my bed and I went downstairs, didn’t eat or anything. I didn’t want to eat. Actually I was too frustrated to eat, so I just walked out of the house. And went to my friend’s house.

By my friend’s house it was okay, we just had some fun and it was okay that I ate dinner with her. So I did that. There was some neighborhood party with a band, and we decided to get there and listen to them. Everything was okay, they played pretty cool music like Dire Straits and Pink Floyd, both I really enjoyed. 

Until I got a message from my mom with: “Hoe denkt u thuis te komen?” which means in English “How late do you think that you get home?” with the “u” is a formal way to speak to someone but is also used to insult someone, like my mom did right there. I didn’t say anything until she also started to send me it on Whatsapp: “I’m gonna call you”, I didn’t get the call because you know, I didn’t want to. Which she replied with: “Okay, you don’t reply, good luck, we are going to sleep and the door is also locked. Byeeeeeeee” 

After that I said that I didn’t want to go home we got in a fight by way of text messages. Which she said in it that she’d send the police if I didn’t come home before 23u15. Also between it I was talking to my brother, who also was against me... He was just on the side of my mom, so I also got into a fight with him...

After that I was home at 23u14 and the door already was locked. My friend went with me because I was so afraid to go alone... And she was standing at the street with her bike and I came to her to talk. My mom unlocked the door and screamed that it was my last chance to get inside, and she screamed that I wasn’t myself and that I was brutal to them. Which I replied with: “With what I’m brutal with?” she just slammed the door and got inside again. I still was talking with my friend on the street. Again my mother opened the door, and got to me and wanted to push me inside. So we had a fight where my friend was with me. I went inside and my friend left.

I ran into my room and my stepdad screamed at me about how mad they were at me. That everything I did was wrong, that I never was open to people. That I never talked to people. I barely talk to my parents because they are misusing the information. Just like with the cutting that my mom yelled at me a while ago that cutting is just screaming for attention. And that I have to cut my wrists through, which actually means to me that it was a wish that I was dead... 

But so I went to my sleeping room, and they also got after me. My mom started yelling at me, about everything. Everything she could possibly think of. Everything I ever did wrong in my life, about how I ruined my dad’s family and how I’m about to ruin my mom’s family right now. 

Now my internet will be cut off for the next week, a week that I don’t have to go to school... But I HATE being with my parents... A lot of kids are wishing that they want to have holiday, and there’s me whom is rather at school than being at home. Also they want to have contact again with my social worker, they say that my behavior is the result of that I keep everything inside. Which isn’t true, I’m just sick and tired of this fucking house... And no one really understands...

To be honest, I’m feeling like a total wreck right now. But I’m not feeling super suicidal, which I’m use to feel at night... (I’m writing this at 00u45...) Or maybe it still needs to come.. I think so... 

Okay, there it is... I’m feeling like shit again. I’m just feeling like I don’t belong here, and that no one will ever understand me with the feelings that I have... And that makes it hard to talk about, not only because no one will understand but also that I’m afraid about the fact that they’ll tell my parents about how I really feel. If I ever told someone how suicidal I feel, and that there never passes a day that I don’t feel suicidal then I already would have been in a mental hospital or something...

Yaay.. I have feelings, yaay...

I wish that I could fly, a way up in the sky. Like a bird so high, oh I might just try...