28 June 2013 - 22u47


I want to die to badly... Nothing good will ever happen, no one will really understand me...

if I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care
if my time was up Id wanna know
You were happy I was there

if I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep
if I wasn't hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I'd like better
I can never forget, so dont remind me of it forever

What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just tried not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all

If I wasnt here tomorrow would anybody care
Still stuck inside this sorrow
I got nothing and going nowhere

25 June 2013 - 22u35

We're going downwards again... I got only a 6/10 for Dutch, I totally freaked out in front of the class... I can't handle with the fact that everyone is staring at me... 

I just don't want to anymore... I don't want to be here... Negative thoughts are coming back over and over again. And the worst of all, I want to talk with someone about it. But you can't trust people... People should know that I also have feelings, and I'm just so scared when I trust someone, I'll push them away, or I'll be afraid to look at them in their eyes...

24 June 2013 - 19u07

I fucking hate myself, you know? I'll never be good enough with my grade. I got a bad grade for history which really bothers me because I don't know what I did do wrong..

And I'm also pissed off because of my mom, she was like: "How is that thing going what you have to do tomorrow?". Like she does now care about my grades. In the last 4 fucking years, she never cared about it. She was like: Eline does it well on school, Eline is a good kid at school, Eline has good grades, Eline can do everything on her own, Eline has many friend at school.
But seriously man, fuck it... She still thinks that I'm totally okay, that I'm totally fine. I wish I was fine and not living with the fact that there never has gone one day that I didn't think about suicide...

I hate being alive...

23 June 2013 - 20u55

You know what I hate? Teachers who are giving you homework for next year. With the fact like: "Yeah you need this next year, so make it" I am fucking exhausted from school, and when all the fucking tests are fucking done they are still giving us homework? -.-
Man come on, seriously...

23 June 2013 - 13u20

I have to write a report of 5 book for 5 minutes speaking in front of the class... I'm already nervous even when I have that Tuesday, and it's now Sunday....
I don't want to... Like always I'm gonna fail again...

22 June - 24u

Even more sad now than I was this afternoon...

22 June 2013 - 22.20

I'm sad...

Today I saw that best friend of 4 à 5 years ago. It was really hard to see her, because after so many years I finally accepted that I couldn't be her best friend anymore and that we couldn't see each other. We just totally missed a click between each other... Maybe it's because we both made a huge wall around our hearts... At least, I do have a huge wall around my heart, which makes it hard to be friends with people. And I don't really knew when I should call someone a friend...

I'm sad and I'm tired that it goes over and over again... I don't want to go on anymore... I got a bad grade back today a 4,9/10 which means that you failed pretty much. I'll always be a failure, I've always been a failure and I'll always be... I literally see no future for me, I'm just a boring person who is only on the computer, and really has no life. When someone is over here, I have no idea what to do or something. I'm just a horrible human being...

And awhile back I thought about something, and it's still struggling in my head... What if this is all a dream? Like when I was born that's when I finally 'slept'. And then when I die I finally wake up. That this all is dream... So I actually hope that I wake up soon...
Man, these things are struggling me so much because I don't know the truth about it... I think I'm going insane with these kind of things... What if everything around me is just nothing. Like it's just a dream. There's NOTHING... It's all just a stupid dream...

ugh.